Thirteen Reasons Why. it took a while to get through, because I connected with Hannah so well. kind of spooky, but i mean, i really understand where she was coming from. Everything is caused by everything, and you cannot pinpoint one exact reason why someone feels the way they do. But today I reached a little epiphany. In English, Boggs was talking about his humanist philosophy, and it was amazing to connect his words to Hannah's. more later...
*sits on adjustable height office chairs*
Not anymore. The few seconds at Zoe's house at 4 in the morning keep rushing back at me, punching me in the face. I saw a cop and an ambulance, and I drove by. I saw it again, with more people, and drove by. I saw hugging. And. I. drove. by.
I knew it. I knew nothing of it. I denied it. He was stuck in my head all day. He shouldn't be because I knew he cared for her, and it wasn't fair for me to -
No, I can't start blaming this on myself. I already have to face tomorrow. I don't know if I will be able to ride the bus without having a mental breakdown at this point.
That one time, in 6th grade or so, and he helped me stand on a skateboard. I remember how to do it exactly. And in 7th grade, Kameron and him came over and Valerie came over to my house and we talked and then we tried to act all cool and he mooned us. The next day he did it again. With Tarik by the band hall. And he taught me everything I know about, well, a lot of things. We told each other everything.
*lowers chair to lowest setting*
Almost everything. And I know that goes for me and him.
I've lost one of my best friends. And I can't scrape up money to buy a plane ticket and follow him. And If I did manage to follow him, I couldn't bring him back. Tomorrow, I guarantee that so many people will be all 'I can't believe this' lalalala, and they've only known him for a year or so. I've know this amazing kid since like, 4th grade when then moved here. He was the one of the few who call me sexy lexy (I'd punch most other guys) and he was the one who always came to ask me what bus we rode on the first day of school and every day after, because he never thought about it until the last bell rang. He was the one who told everyone to leave me alone when the girls got back from Newks in 6th grade because he remembered how tired he was the day before with the boys. He was the one who listened when I complained about and worried about and (hypothetically) cursed out about my mom, my sister and every other person on the planet.
And when I walk out of school tomorrow, and I look for our funny bus, he won't be there to ask if that's it.
