november - part 1

Super Grover attacks New York: The puny humans attempt to defend themselves by poking him in the face with long white sticks. They all perished.



Happy Thanksgiving!






on another note:

aliasgrace @ flickr has some beautiful photographs. i am sneaky and copied the following two photos even though i shouldn't have. but these really get across what i feel at the moment, with everything that has happened so far this year.





After reading this, go watch Aladdin.
Then read Twlight, and read Animal Farm.
Eat nothing for a day then everything the next.
Smell a stinky dog, look into his eyes, and realize he can't see you through the mist.
Cry when you go to sleep and when you wake up.
Loathe driving. Get over high school.

You've just come pretty close to my insides.

an oddity.

i don't even know.
the camera's gone and died.
. . .

i felt like i was grown up.
a very short staple pulling party.
i felt like i was in middle school again.
hand hug turned into a real (good) hug.
the bus stopped at elliott's house.
i confessed, and regret.

egg drop.

finally, I've made one that survives a drop. (albeit a six foot drop) I'll be testing it tomorrow at school. I'll take pictures :) I hope i can get out of theatre but if I can't, i'll just have to go during lunch or during the actual class this is for.

to give you a little taste of my next post:
*impulse-momentum theorem
*water bottle
*grade A large eggs
*hot glue
*elastic

and finally, i leave you with this (whih mr shahan specifically stated would not result in a passing grade): one gross of eggs falling from seven stroies high.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/amagill/129764584/

ah, savor the last taste of calm air.

because tomorrow - and the rest of the week for that matter - will be crazy! and do you know why.......?



HELL WEEK!!!!!

(insert a cluttered calendar that takes up too much space here)

PHEWW
i'm getting tired just thinking about it. must be why they call it hell week :D
all the same, i am freaking excited........




.......but I'm still sad. I can't help it. I mean, I'm still thinking about him all the time. I still haven't done much of anything in English. (To be honest I thought I'd be out of that class by now) I haven't broken down since the 5th. I almost did though, on my way home from drivers ed, talking about the whole testing process. He would have gotten it last week. I would've been begging him for rides.
And it's really biting at me that he won't be there on Friday - not that he would've come anyway. But i would have had my phone on me illegally, and he'd probably text me trying to start up a convo because he's bored. And I keep thinking of prom (which i don't even care about, right?) and he's going to miss it.He went in 7th grade for that one dance and we taught like 6 people how to dance....
I have this big vacant spot that used to be filled with my best (male) friend in the whole world. So I think my subconscious is trying to fill that gap by finding another best friend. And I am consciously feeling awful about that.

I've completely stopped knitting. I realize now that it was only because of Marc. Does it make sense that this realization really pisses me off? This was one of the things that I wanted to talk to him about on that Monday (the 2nd). I knew i needed to talk to him but by my own social lines, I told myself to wait until I had him to myself on the bus. Now I don't have him at all! It's not fair.

It's just. not. FAIR!

okay. fine. i'll probably cry tomorrow. It's been building since last Wednesday.

today was good.

but odd as well. i was very reflective....

looking back, Halloween seems so long ago. so many things have happened in a few days, and i have grown from those things that i can't even think of what it was like to be me on october 30, 2009.

i am going to make a list later on. i think i am starting to like lists.

ps: i just did two pages of french subjunctive homework and it was actually very easy :)

What .... is this feeling?

sorry, again. i don't know why i have like 20 drafts stored up. and the posts are all half finished, too. i don't understand why i'm doing that. whatever, moving on and publishing this now.

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fervid as a flame, does it have a name....? - Wicked

be warned: this is going to be a weird post.


yesterday was elliot's funeral. [see last post] i bawled. so did storm and tara and tucker and i saw brandon at the front with a red face. we squeezed each other's hands until they hurt. and we hugged. we actually laughed. the celebration that his mom and the minister lead was sweet and full of happy memories.

and when i got home, i felt .... okay. content. happy, even. i really need to catch up on work because i've had this weird block in my mind, especially concerning french. since sunday, i haven't been able to translate anything except single words. i couldn't fit it all together into a coherent phrase or sentence. i mean, i got the gist of it, but it was like i wasn't used to translating. it's hard to explain. anyway, yesterday i sat down and i could translate. easily. i was alternating french homework, pandora, and armor games, so i hadn't noticed at first. but

What?

That is all my mind can say right now. What? No, That's not possible. How is that possible? Don't break down, be strong. What? What? What? What?

Thirteen Reasons Why. it took a while to get through, because I connected with Hannah so well. kind of spooky, but i mean, i really understand where she was coming from. Everything is caused by everything, and you cannot pinpoint one exact reason why someone feels the way they do. But today I reached a little epiphany. In English, Boggs was talking about his humanist philosophy, and it was amazing to connect his words to Hannah's. more later...

*sits on adjustable height office chairs*

Not anymore. The few seconds at Zoe's house at 4 in the morning keep rushing back at me, punching me in the face. I saw a cop and an ambulance, and I drove by. I saw it again, with more people, and drove by. I saw hugging. And. I. drove. by.

I knew it. I knew nothing of it. I denied it. He was stuck in my head all day. He shouldn't be because I knew he cared for her, and it wasn't fair for me to -

No, I can't start blaming this on myself. I already have to face tomorrow. I don't know if I will be able to ride the bus without having a mental breakdown at this point.

That one time, in 6th grade or so, and he helped me stand on a skateboard. I remember how to do it exactly. And in 7th grade, Kameron and him came over and Valerie came over to my house and we talked and then we tried to act all cool and he mooned us. The next day he did it again. With Tarik by the band hall. And he taught me everything I know about, well, a lot of things. We told each other everything.

*lowers chair to lowest setting*

Almost everything. And I know that goes for me and him.




I've lost one of my best friends. And I can't scrape up money to buy a plane ticket and follow him. And If I did manage to follow him, I couldn't bring him back. Tomorrow, I guarantee that so many people will be all 'I can't believe this' lalalala, and they've only known him for a year or so. I've know this amazing kid since like, 4th grade when then moved here. He was the one of the few who call me sexy lexy (I'd punch most other guys) and he was the one who always came to ask me what bus we rode on the first day of school and every day after, because he never thought about it until the last bell rang. He was the one who told everyone to leave me alone when the girls got back from Newks in 6th grade because he remembered how tired he was the day before with the boys. He was the one who listened when I complained about and worried about and (hypothetically) cursed out about my mom, my sister and every other person on the planet.

And when I walk out of school tomorrow, and I look for our funny bus, he won't be there to ask if that's it.